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There is something very zen like about working a shift where I am just restocking the different sections of the store. I stocked the Halloween sections we have, trying my best to stick to plan-o-gram, but they sent us the plans for a lower volume store, and sent us items that werent on the sheet. Finding places for stuff on crowded walls was a fun challenge. 

I was working with a assistant store manager who kind of gets on my nerves. She seems to complain a lot about everything, and turns most anything she can into an excuse to be over the top about it. I think it makes her feel imporant or something. The nice thing about being closed to do that is I could just throw on my head phones and do my job then leave. She isnt terrible or anything. I can sometime be really intolerant of people that rub me the wrong way and straight up just dont care for some people. Mostly if they complain as their main means of communication you can bet I wont take to them. I am always nice to her, of course. I dont think I can be rude to people at work just because they get on my bnerves a bit. I want to have a nice working environment.

Got home and folded clothes, which is one of my most hated chores. I hate almost all chores to be honest. Except dusting. There is something about seeing things without dust on them that makes me really enjoy that for some reason. But I hate anything laundry related. Oh, I guess I dont mind vacuuming either.

i have been watching The X Factor, Glee, Gallery Girls, and Modern Family. I am not sure when Smash or Mad Men comes back on, but I hope it is soon. 

Reading has taken a back seat to TV, computer and my video games when I am home. This makes me feel really guilty in some ways because I know TV is the ultimate in being a lazy asshole, but I find it SO enjoyable. 

I cut my hair and added in bangs. I was really wanting a big change in my hair because I wanted a makeover so I could feel like the new me inside was also the new me outside! I want to add in a streak of pink somewhere soon, but that needs to wait until next paycheck, because I feel like I already spent too much this paycheck on crap from work. 
  • Current Mood
    awake awake

(no subject)

I have started to find my groove at work. I am not nervous anymore and know how to do most things I am there to do. If I dont, I just ask. I am grateful that all the ladies I work with are pretty darn nice.
I like working in that environment. First off, it is a NICE looking store. They did a remodel and it opened up a week before I started in the middle of August. I love our product. It has really opened me up to wearing cute clothes and dressing up. I have been paying attention a lot to clothes. I have always LOVED clothes, but rarely bought stuff for myself, unless I NEEDED to. Now I am always on the lookout for cut fun stuff to wear, and cute stuff at work to pair with my outfits. Frivolous? VERY. 
I get a 50% discount. Nuff' said. I work 4-5 days a week most week, which I find just perfect for me right now. I am glad I am not full time, as I am really working on my personal life, and honestly, just learning how to BE.
I never realized what an alternate bullshit reality I had been living in. I ultimately was avoiding any and all responsibility and never really developed that part of myself where I get stuff done and just live a pretty simple life. 
I have really been enjoying just living the best I can each and every day. And being able to be proud of the choices I make 95% of the time. The days of sneaking around, hiding things from people, and having my entire exitance be a lie is over. I no longer have to feel like crap about the way I am living my life. And that freedom is allowing me to figure out who I really am. What I like, what I dont like, what I want to spend my time doing. How I really am, what I really feel, all with a clear mind. 
It is funny how different being sober makes me feel on the inside. When you spend so much time in a chemical haze, your thinking is majorly screwed up. You dont know the truth about who you are, or what you really are like until all that clears up.
I feel so preachy! Anyways, life has been just peachy. And Chris and I have been doing better than ever. It is just so nice right now.
So I now spend my time when I am not working going to one AA meeting a day, and I feel that going every day is really helping my recovery and internal growth as a person. I have been really 'getting' the program, and it is really helping me see where my faults have been as a person, and recognize my alcoholic behaviors and I am learning how to let those go, with help from the people I know in AA.

(no subject)

Wow, I cant believe I took so long off from writing! We got back from Texas with no issues (unlike GETTING there!) We both went back to work, though I have mainly been working weekends, because of some schedualing blocks when I was going to be working as a nanny (which didnt work out anyways).

Next week I will be working a lot more. It is going pretty well. Once I figured out I couldnt get fired for making simple mistakes (it is actually a little bit difficult for them to just can you in retail) then I was able to just relax and realize it is part of the process of leaning! I have only had one really crap day working and that was because I forgot my nicotine patch and was in major withdrawals.

More about nannying day 1.

My last entry was posted instead of saved, so I will just continue my train of thought in this wonderul NEW post.

I am getting a nice $10 (untaxed weekly) per hour to watch Joy. We are drawing up a contract and he sends me actual invioces. He works through Microsoft and they have something called Flex Spending they use for child care. From my understanding, that means each paycheck has a set amount set aside TAX FREE, to use for child care. What a brilliant idea! 

They are have flexable hours that they set when Joy was born do they can be with her as much as possibe each day, which LOVE seeing in a family. It really is wonderful to see such devotion to raising kids and is a wonderful model for how to raise a baby, if I so choose to in the future. I dont mean because they are HOME is what makes it a good model, but because how I see them interact with her non stop and in such a loving patient way. 

I was a bit worried I wouldnt have the patience or attention span to give all my energies to a baby, because I dont have that much experience with children that young. I agreed, because I fee I could learn and do a good job because I am learning I can be very nuturing and loving.

I think I may have got lucky and caught Joy on a very good day, she only cried pre and post nap and when I left. Otherwise she was all smiles and happy. It was really fun just being silly with her and doing whatever I could to make her smile. 

The day went by at a fairly fast pace, and it was only the last 30 minutes that I had any feeling of getting slightly antsy.

It was nice having her parents home to help me learn how to best take care of her and I had them show me their prefered ways of cari9ng for her. They have certain ruitines that she is used to that I was able to see. It is nice not having to do this trial and error style.

I feel fairly comfortabe around the mother and father. They are very open and warm and made me fee welcomed. They are VERY attentive parents and I tried to model the sort of attention and interaction they have with their daughter.

I had a few moments of questioning myself when I left. I was worried that I was too involves, but I realized that children that age dont stop moving, get bored VERY fast, and look to you for assurance, and want you to be with them every step of the way. So I felt better after reazing that.

Nannying day 1.

While I was between jobs I posted to Craigslist offering my services as a nanny. I figured while my efforts in retail seemed to be going nowhere despite interviews at 80% of the places I applied to. Those were the jobs I really would have liked but never got past the 2nd interview. Actually I didn't really want the pretzel job...

After a bunch of annoying emails that won't nowhere with inquiries about nannying I posted once more with a serious disclaimer hoping it would filter the people who were actually serious.

I had pretty much stopped caring when I got a email that turned into a same day interview for a nice normal couple about two miles up the road from me. Their daughter is named Joy and she is 15 months old. It is flat out $

(no subject)

Sort of annoyed at Chris right now. We went swimming earlier and he left his phone in the car with the windows down in the phone holder on the windshield. We came back and someone had stoen it,. We have insurance on it so we just have to wait a week or two but Chris is in a TERRIBLE sulky mood over it. Nothing I say is doing any good at all and hes snapping.

I pointed out its only $100 to repace it instead of the full cost. He wasnt happy about that. I am even letting him use mine while he is at conference for 5 days when we are in Texas., Still grumpy. Then I said at least it isnt cancer and you are heathy. He has this small bump in his lip ive been bugging him to get checked out that he keeps ignoring. You know what he said? It probably is cancer and it woud be fitting.

He is PISSING ME OFF. You dont say shit like that. 

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Sitting on the couch with the doggie trying to sort laundry, but not getting much done. Duh, im Livejournal!

I made goat cheese stuff dates earlier. I was really hoping I would love them. They were just ok for me. I felt the dates were a bit firm, I was expecting them to be very tender. Also, the sweetness level was a bit much for me. I was thinking if I wrapped procuitto around then, the salt would cut the sweetness and add a nice flavor. 

I bought a pair of shoes today at Zumies. I hopped on the TOMS trend. I was planning to get black or red, but the black looked too boring, and they were out of red in my size. Then I saw these really adorable grey/purple ones with bright pink soles and snapped them up. I think I will get another basic color when I get one of my paychecks next month. I also am on the look out for a good pair of tall boots for winter. 

I am trying to get better at putting together outfits that have some style to them. This time last year I think I had 3 pairs of pants and like 2 shirts. I have no idea why, but I wasnt comfortable wearing really cute clothes. It made me feel self conscious for a while there. Now I want to have tons of clothes and SHOES, and I really like the current trends, to be honest. I LOVE most everything at Urban Outfitters. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I need to figure out what kind of look I want to have and shop around for pieces that will make that look. If I just go wandering in a store a lot of times I end up gravitating to y very basic safe pieces that I seem to already HAVE and get home and am disappointed. My goal is to shop with purpose from now on. If I dont LOVE it, then I dont need it. 

Getting excited for our vacation. We have some great things planned for the 12 days we are in Texas, including spending labor day weekend in a condo ON the beach in Corpus Christi. It sounds divine.

This is my last week before I start up at Claires part time, and also nanny a 15 month old named Joy on Thursdays and Fridays. Life is certainly changing in wonderful ways due to me doing exactly what I need to. It makes me incredibly happy each day. 

After hitting bottom so many times, seeing myself finally doing well often times amazes me and makes me emotional in the good way. I wont lie, I often wondered if I would ever be able to change my life. I was almost convinced I was going to be one of those unlucky ones, but I am still young and I am grateful I got out when I did.

It has been a trip to look back and think about stuff I did and hope DEEP in denial I would be at times. And just how empty and sad my life had become. 

Even on my worst day, my life is better than my best day drinking. 

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Lucas came by today after he ran some errands. I have been laying on the couch with a headache watching Beverly Hills Nannies n On-demand  His visit motivated me to at least shower and I am starting to feel better.

This morning I ate a sweet potatoes with a tbls of sour cream + bacon bits. It was AMAZING. Perfect mix of sweet and savory and with a tiny bit of tang from the sour cream. I think I will try and eat this more often as I hear SP are really nutritious. I really like eggs for breakfast but have been bored with those lately. I also have honey vanilla greek yogurt, and some vanilla almond granola from Central Market that I can eat. Either of those would be good when I just want something sort of sweet.

Today I am making some crafts but I can say what they are yet.

We have our weekly dinner at Wok-N-Teriyaki with the group and then I go to my meeting and stuff. Chris has tomorrow off and I am getting my permit and hopefully we will be going swimming,

My cousins wedding is on Saturday, I am excited for it! my dad did express some concern about people drinking around me, but I will be fine. It inst a fucking keggar or a bar.

The day after, my foster sister Karleen, who has been struggling with heroin and meth addiction is checking herself into Sundown Ranch, and inpatient center in Yakima. My father and other sister are going with her. Karleen has bee fairly open with me over the last few months about her desire to be sober and live a good life. She sees me trying to do the same. I havent been able to see her though because she is always using and I dont feel ok being around that. I did say I would go to meetings with her if she ever wanted, but she never asked to. 

I plan on making the drive with them to show my support. I know it will mean a lot to her, as she has always looked up to me. And I know first hand how scary it is checking yourself into inpatient can be, and on top of that, shes going to be on the other side of the state. Im going to get her an NA book and write her letters. Having support from family and friends can make a big difference in recovery. The real test will be when she gets out. They are teaching her about her addiction and how it effects her and will give her guidance on what to do when she leaves, but the hardest part is actually LIVING it. I hope I can be someone she looks up to and can come to me when shes having stress over this.

(no subject)

Gosh, I feel like everyone must be super bored with my Livejournal because of all the sobriety/AA stuff I go on and on about all the time. I am not sure if I should write about it so much, or put a cut on it or what, I dont want to bore or annoy people.

My dreams were crazy weird last night. I had a dream I was in a hotel with some people partying and I endded up drinking with lots of people I (from my past?) then I ended up getting drunk and broke up with Chris but didnt care and then started dating this weird nerdy guy then the next days dumped him for this hot celebrity. We went driving in his super nice sports car and he took me to a really nice dinner, and I was like..its about TIME I get some dating like this. Hot men, cars, fancy dinners, money. Yup, my dreams are fucking superficial. Anyways I ended up making out with this dude and it was all super hot in my dream. I hope this isnt telling me something and is just a run of the mill dream, because I AM happy with Chris, but we have definatly moved past the crushy crushy exciting dating part. I like to get out and do a lot and ive been kind of sort of sitting around looking for more work and when Chris gets home its like 9:30pm or 10 and we make dinner and relax and play games or watch movies until its bed time. On his days off we have been getting out way more! We dont usually eat at nice places because we are on a budget and I have gotten to the point where I prefer to spend that money elsewhere. I look at it as a fancy ass dinner is anywhere from 30-60 and normal eating out and a standard restaurant is about $7-11 and we can buy some good for that or see a movie or go bowling or buys games or something. 

The last few days were nice for me. I think I got over the hump of being crazy last week, and  am relieved about that. Sadly I know I will likely experience emotions that are overwhelming more through this whole sobering up process. I still think about drinking a few times a day but I never want to act on it. I have been really working with a sponsor and I think if I just do what I am supposed to I will be just fine. 

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable

I am meeting my sponsor tonight.

She wants me to answer these questions the best I can, and we will go over each one tonight before our Monday night meetings. I kinda dont want to have to do this but its what is required of me. What I am sort of feeling uncomfortable about is all the steps require some SERIOUS deep examination of everything about yourself and that freaks me out a bit! Plus, I am lazy.

If you want to read, it is under the cut.
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